Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
