I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
