Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
