I am in a vortex of obligation.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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