He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
