she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
