I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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