sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Floor bacon is actually really good
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
