Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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