i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
