If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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