imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
