his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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