Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
