I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
