These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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