best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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