i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
