Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
