I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
