I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
