And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
