matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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