he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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