Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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