What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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