Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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