last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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