i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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