i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
