Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
