Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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