you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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