p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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