I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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