She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
