I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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