True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
