Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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