Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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