Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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