if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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