i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
