my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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