The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
