I wish I could teleport
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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