I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
