new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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