Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
