god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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