make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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