sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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