I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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