I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I deserve this hangover.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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