You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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