she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
